I have fallen into the habit of reading "You can Heal your Life" again, this will be about the 2334555th time I have read it. Lousie L. Hay's words speak out to me in such a way that at the end of every chapter I am near tears and start slipping into a sort of slumber.
The irony behind trying to change my life this week, is that this week has been filled to the brim with drama. All family based. My toxic relationship with my incredibly difficult sister is tearing me apart. I wish she would leave. I know this is the realtionship I meant to be fixing in order to heal and grow as a person. But I do not have the strength. She treats my boyfriend like shit, yet expects him to treat her with the utmost respect. Who does she think she is? My dad would not be proud of her behaviour, she is a liar who lives behind this mask. No one know what she is really like expect for the family. She is an emotional manipulator who uses people constantly, yet still finds the time to judge and criticise other people.
She is turning 22 this year, she has a good job that pays well PLUS free money for the government, yet she still leeches off my single mother who has no income. She was having an affair with one of my boyfriends mates, she slept with another one of my boyfriends freinds, yet still has the deluded idea that she can treat him like shit. The secrets I have kept for her are monsterous and she kicks up the biggest storm when things don't go her way. I hate to say it, but I do not like her at all. We are opposites and this toxic relationship reminds me of the one Hay expresses she had with her sister. I will one day have to heal this realationship but for the meantime it is like dealing with a 3 year old child who hits you, slams doors and screams abuse in your face. Did mention she is training to be a teacher?
I want to know what I can do. Hopefully my degree in psychology this year will teach me something. I have been researching this week about her clashing personality and all I have uncovered is that she is jealous and has a well of rage that she does not know how to deal with. A survey on a psychology site explained that she displays selfish behaviour and although acts like she is there to support people, her mind set is all about what she can get out of it.
I wish I wasn't related to her, and YES that is a horrible thing to say, but if you only knew. It is the most impossible thing to deal with.
But I am aware this is all a test. Its a sign from the universe that I am on the right track of healing, and everything I need to sift through and restore or change or get rid of rose to the surface this week. It has been exhausting but I am now more sure than ever of what I need to heal.
And here is a list-
1)Self-love- this one is a tough one, but indeed very important as it is the root of a lot of other problems I have.
2) Jealousy- I have a disgusting green monster whenever I feel like someone is better, prettier than me. Which happens way too often.
3) Anxiety- this stage I believe will be diminished after the jeaoulsy and self love.
4) Anger- I find myself getting angry at things that are a waste of time, I believe I am not honest with my feelings, and at any opportunity I have to release anger, I go overboard with it instead of being honest and letting it out when the true emotion explodes within me.
5)Self-respect- I need to stand up for myself more, to express to people that I am not a victim and that I deserve the best of their love, happiness and respect. This will be one of the hardest points as I am forever trying to please everyone and always have to ask other people to make desicions for me, even worse I constantly ask people if I am "doing okay", or "is anyone better than me?"(which relates back to jealousy)
I am also formulating a philosophy, this wil stretch through years and years and be transformed and expanded for a long time. It will begin with my first year of my psychology degree.
One point of it that I am sure will not change is-Everyone has the power to create the life they want with the thoughts they think and the actions they do.
if anyone has any advice on how I can deal with my sister please let me know. Thank you
No comments:
Post a Comment