Expectations

Yesterday I was faced with a shocking situation, to keep it short(and to not name names) the overall scenario is that someone who will be in my life for a long time, is not accepting who I am. They have expectations, or a point of view of how I should be- and I am just not that person. They are maybe subconsciously comparing me to other people who used to be where I am today.

The old me would have immediately began to obsess about ways to change and google ways to please people(I looked at only one site this time). The old me would have run away, cried done EVERYTHING to prove myself to this person without giving a single thought the to other option- which is to stay the way I am.

However this time I didn't break into tears, sure I weeped a little. I mean most people would, a lot of people cannot cope with comments, and I am not talking about constructive criticism- I am talking about stone cold criticism which becomes an attack on the soul of a person. I went out, had a good night patched up with someone who I had to learn from months ago and now it seems as though the universe is leaving this lesson to me. I don't fully know the full plan of this lesson but I am beginning to unravel what it is I am supposed to learn, all I know for sure is that it is huge and it will consist of more than one lesson.

The first half of the lessons I need to learn will come from self-love, I believe it is my duty to now put what I express in my blogs and what I say to other people who are insecure and use it on myself. I have always immensely battled with helping myself and not taking my own advice, but now I am treating myself as a close friend with this sad situation looking for a light. I will be my own light, with the support of my true love. The second part of the lesson is to stand up for who I am. I am determined not to fall back into the books of the old me who changed for everyone and still didn't respected. I remember saying to my partner once that "after changing and evolving for people who wouldn't matter ten years from now, I realised it was a waste and I wasn't even living my life, I was just a puppet in theirs and I learnt that not everyone is going to like you, and you aren't going to like others always but what everyone should do is hold no expectations of people and find something good in them and hold onto that" and he replied with a quote I still look at to this day(this conversation was on MSN)- "I think if you believe in yourself, you don't need to believe in any other expectations. Self-love is not vanity it is healthy like laughter and love and it is vital in order to live a life of happiness and love".

So here I am, about to embark on something that will be more confrontational than changing for other people, I will not fall silent and let them mould me into their vision of me that will change as soon as it is formed into another thing that is extreme and not at all me.

I have had a life of struggle and with that has brought many insecurities and problems like anxiety and anorexia. We are always expected to be something more or less that what we are, the world begs us to be happy with who we are but majority of people only want you to be happy when you are the person THEY want you to be. If anyone is going through the same mental battle as me in which you are deciding whether to be you or change please leave a comment and we can both overcome this together. If you become someone else, you would have wasted all the potential and beauty of who you really are. Remember masks eventually break so don't try and hide who you are.

Embrace you.

Throughout the week I will be researching on self acceptance and self love and I will leave links. I will probably have to face the person this week so I will let you know how that goes. This is all just another lesson on the road of life. I will keep you updated.

Today is a new beginning

"Don't make your past, your future"

I am starting fresh today, positivity will be present in everything I do. I will shine with an infinite glow of happiness.

So far so good, I woke up at 5:30 this morning to allow myself to wake up slowly and relaxed and do my affirmations in the mirror. I am now in my first uni class and I still feel the presence of positivity, my boyfriend is next to me and I can tell its going to be a fantastic day.

The quote above exemplifies exactly my mood today, I am looking to the future with confidence but I am dwelling on the now because the now is the only thing we truly hace.

I will keep updating my moods and sudden lessons I am faced with this week.

I hope everyone had an amazing weekend, and if not remember there is always next weekend. Enjoy now.

Self-worth

Self worth has been an every day obstacle for me. I find it hard to maintain belief in myself and I find it incredibly difficult to hold faith for the future of my life. It has something to do with the loss of my father, abusive relationships and of course bullying.

Now I find myself in a better place, but the scars and fears from my past still linger in every corner of my life. They are always there, and if I pay too much attention to them, a beautiful day can turn into an emotional nightmare.

Why do our minds often hold on to the things best left behind, and ignore the things we should really be reminding ourselves of every day? The human mind and the way in which it sticks to some thoughts and memories whilst throwing away others will always interest me.

Is it possible to change your way of thinking? To transform your minds outlook into one that will always be stained in positivity? I think yes, however it takes time. I have been trying it for years, and I am only 17! I believe the more regret and pain you have the longer it takes, but the sweeter it will taste in the end. I have a lot to move on from, not as much as others but my mind is still cluttered with things I desperately need to grow away from. I need to make space for the new.

The level of self-worth I have for myself is very low. I am referring specifically to how much you think you are worth to the people around you? Or even how much you think you will be worth to the people you will encounter in the future?

Mine is small.

I have an amazing boyfriend who gets me through everything, but how is anyone truly meant to be happy with someone else, if they are not even happy with their own reflection?

Which is why after procrastinating for far too long I decided I would return to this blog and write to people who may or may not be reading. Perhaps I know some of you, or perhaps one day I will meet you and not even know you are one of my beloved readers...All I know is when I write in here I heal a little more, and all I want to achieve at the end of all this is a healed me and the realisation that I have healed some of you too.

I am currently looking up ways in which you can increase self-love, so far I have read that simply feeding yourself compliments works- and it does. For a greater effect though I think you should do it out loud and in front of the mirror because we all know that you can't hide from the reflection, and facing it head on is so empowering. I tried to do this yesterday morning and nearly cried- mostly because I was tired, but also because I was finding it hard to call myself beautiful when I had messy hair, large purple bags under my eyes, sleep crumbs on my eye lids and morning breath. After ten minutes of fighting my insecurities I told myself that if I Amy-Claire Walsh want full self love after most of a life hating the body I am in, then it was going to be hard at first. I also told myself that complimenting myself in the mirror is not the hardest thing I have had to do, and with time it would get easier. All of sudden my insecurities had left me and I didn't see a tired scarred young lady- I saw every word I was whispering to my reflection and fuck, I felt beautiful. I was actually glad I did it BEFORE getting ready because when I had finished my makeup and was ready to leave I smiled to myself and my confidence increased due to the reflection of a girl who looked beautiful with and without makeup. I want everyone to try this- it increases the love you have for yourself, and yes you may forget to do it every morning but I hope that if insecurities begin to suddenly start flooding your mind that you will go to the bathroom and simply repeat-

"I am beautiful, I am deserving of good and happiness. I am strong and lovable and every day gets better"

There is hope for the puppets of insecurity. We all have self-worth and it is not vain to love yourself. You are a beautiful soul who will always be loved. There is no reason anymore to be scared of the future or your reflection because, you and me are in this together.

I love you all, have an amazing night of love and joy.

Well, I have had a revelation today, I have decided to continue writing in this blog, even if my only follower at the moment is my beloved boyfriend. I realised that I never complete or continue things I start, the reason for this unknown and I don't plan to go looking for it, instead I want to find a resolution to it. Every/every second evening I will write in this blog and I will also be making video blogs on anxiety and how to love yourself. Just in case anyone begins reading this blog and does not start from the beginning I will post a link to me Vlog in every post.

Now, lets continue with the writing of a blog that could motivate/inspire people.....

This world is a staircase

The more I am faced with decisions and situations that test my determination, devotion and motivation the more I begin to repeat this phrase.

This world is a giant staircase, and with every lesson we are able to take the next step.

There are countless moments in one's life where taking the next step to where they are meant to be at that time is questioned.

We wake up to find ourselves in a situation which seems to be swallowing our sanity and peace, and we fight our way through that battle to the more prosperous outcome in order to take back that understanding of ourselves and that peace of mind.

What we often ignore is the fact that in order to gain anymore wisdom and life we need to keep taking those steps, even when we wake to find our reality has shifted.

In my eyes, the key to life is falling nine times and getting back up ten. Our devotion and determination to happiness, love and success are tested by the universe. Why? In order to test the very lengths you will go to achieve what you desire or believe you need. Hardly ever are we handed what we truly need or want in life on a silver plate- the teaching of life is to push our limits, to make us say "I can't handle this!" but in the end always get through raising your bar of what you can withstand and fight for.

I know many people who observe life on one step, whilst peeking over to other's staircases wishing they were that successful, that in love, that happy etc. What they are oblivious to is the fact that all they are looking for lies ahead of them, on the very next step.

The real test however is not seeing if you will take that step, but seeing what you will go through and what you will gain in the time you are there. This means enduring through the good and bad of what that step has in store for you.

A lot of people simply want to run up the stairs to the stage they know they will be happy, this is clearly not the right approach to take. This approach on life can lead to the sudden realization that you are not ready for what you have rushed into, or that you are not prepared or worse you realise you never truly wanted it in the first place. By taking time to slowly and cautiously step onto the next stage of life you are allowing your mind and soul to establish what lessons will be awaiting you there. You gain that understanding and wisdom and from that you are now stronger to take the next step. It is not about racing to the one you see best, it is about patiently working your way up and uncovering more of what you are reaching slowly. EVERY step you take lovely or terrible is vital in your personal self-growth. There is no stage in life better than the other as each is like humans- individual and offering new lessons, understanding and personalities.

The opposite of racing to the desired step and ignoring the steps one needs to reach their dream is being too afraid to step any further. I believe fear is the biggest poison in ourselves. I myself are very fearful about a lot things and it kills me to think about all I can achieve if I murdered the unnecessary fear within. We cling onto fear, because for most of that is all we have known. We evaluate past occurrences where hope dominated but fear proved to be right. Most of us pour fear into every aspect of our life because our mind is telling us that fear will win over hope once again.

In my learning and growing however, I have come to the conclusion that fear is the blanket we cling to for security, but hope is what will open doors for us to expand that security and deliver what we really deserve in life. Although sometimes we need time to be wrapped in the blanket of fear and doubt, we also need to get out of bed, open the doors hope has made and leave that blanket alone to find better stronger securities to carry us through life.

People who have hope in fear and fear in hope, should really start looking at what they are truly scared of, and challenging those fears with the fact that we are survivors, but we cannot survive and gain victory from living in a cave of fear. Rather than having fear in hope, we should instead focus on having hope in hope. We must open ourselves to the positive 'What if's' and challenge life like it challenges us.

For those living on the same steps, yet dreaming of what could lie ahead your patch of fear ask yourself this- is being fearful bringing you anything beneficial? Or have you grown into a place where fear is just breeding more fear? If so, you need to un chain the fear you have cuffed yourself with, and trust that you will be okay regardless of the millions insecurities you may have about yourself or your world.

This realisation helped me when I was suffering from anxiety and injecting that into my relationship. All I ever wanted was someone to care and protect me and completely love me for me. When I reached that step after fighting many battles and learning a lot through the previous steps in my life, fear decided to unleash. I began panicing about being left, being cheated on, not being good enough you name it and I would have thought about it. My mind was trapped into the memory of me previously going through these things, that I was tainting the sweetness I now held with the fear I had given birth to in previous relationships. When I learnt that my 'What if's' weren't benefiting my life, and that fear was a manipulative poison trying to kill my hard earned happiness, I began to see that this fear I now possessed was an old lesson on a new step. It was one I had needed to learn years ago.

I have still not fully mastered rising up above it, with each step, comes more steps. I am aware that slowly my fear is shrinking, that I am looking upon life with eyes filled with hope and positivity, rather than fear. I am opening more and more doors hope and self-love has created for me. When my fear is overcome I can take the next step. I hope fearful people out there will take this step with me.

This world is a giant staircase, and with each step new ones are created. Its not about which one we take, its about what we gain on that step and what we can carry from it to the next one.

I will be here

I have decided to create this blog in order to put thoughts into words for me and others to reflect upon in times where insight and understanding is needed.

I never like blogs when people do not know anything personal about the writer behind the words you are reading.

I am seventeen years old living in New Zealand, and although I have no degrees in psychology or counseling yet- I feel as though the lessons I have learnt from many experiences has proved that I can write a successful self-help blog. I am currently in my first year of Uni studying communications, which will hopefully get me into a Bachelor in Human sciences where my knowledge of they way in which humans word will grow. I indulge in writing, I am a creative writer and poet however only recently did I gather enough motivation to do something with it. I have had my share of hardship just as much as the next person- I lost my father to a brain tumor at fifteen years old, I have endured abusive relationships, and I have battled with myself in the tiring fight of anxiety. All in all these situations have shaped what I am blessed with today such as wisdom, new views on life, appreciation and the most amazing boyfriend I could have ever wished for.

My experiences have taught me lessons. Therefore creating the title of this blog.

I hope to share with people future struggles I may face and the lessons they present, but the main reason I am writing this is to allow the words bottled in my head to be read by people out there who want to learn they are not alone, and to truly understand that life is a pathway of eternal lessons that let us grow for the good.

I can see myself spending many nights writing in here, it will become my public diary of my insecurities, thoughts, dreams, lessons, losses and gains. I will be shedding it all and exposing it to anyone who is willing to read.

I look forward to the people I help and the progress I make in this world of lessons.