25/05/12

I pulled out of university, and began my own business in Photography. All is going well, I have shot one wedding with my boyfriend, and we already have another two lined up. He has been a photographer for years, I just have a dream, and because of that, we charge very little. But it is one stepping stone on the pathway to success, and I have never been so inspired and motivated.
I am applying for full-time jobs left and right, and I am hoping on moving out with the man and a dear couple friend of ours. Next year I will go back to university and study Social Work for three years, and do one year post-grad in Counseling, finally I have found the right pathway to my destination.


Life is moving forward, and I have changed. In some cases for the best, and others for the worst.


I have gradually become very unhealthy and I am trying so hard to sum up enough motivation and dedication to do something about losing weight and feeling good about my body again(more of this is in my other blog, Curvy Days, link down below!)
I am ready to become someone I have always wanted to be, I am dying and living every day. I get wiser, yet older and time is of the utmost importance. I am here to change the world, to add a little bit of me in so many aspects of this universe. I am here to dream and create. For once, I believe that my purpose is to impact the world in so many ways, in so many beautiful ways. The more I dream and visualise successes I would love to hold, the more motivation I give birth to. For once, I am not going to give up on something, for once I am going to follow my plans through and become who I have always wanted to be!


If you want the world to change, change it yourself! If you want the world to be impacted, impact it yourself! If you want the world to be drenched in creativity, peace and love, then you must drench it in creativity, peace and love YOURSELF!


I am here to be who I have dreamed of being, there are no boundaries, no dead ends, no burning bridges. Just a long pathway with different roads, and I can take as many as I want to achieve all of my dreams.




This is what I have learnt, this is what I am living by, I do not have to be anyone more than myself, I am here to change my world and impact others.


I hope you will join me.

9/4/12

 "There is beauty in the breakdown"


I am finally on my mid-semester break. If there are any readers, I apologise for the delay in entries. March was an incredibly hectic month, I had my dad's death anniversary, more insecurities for a person to old, and the loudest, most vicious fights with my boyfriend. I have created all these wounds that do not even need to be here, but I can't help it, I am an emotional cutter, and I just keep plunging my fingers into them, and then complaining that they hurt too much for me to bear. Simply put, I have not allowed myself to heal naturally at all. I have been thrown off the mountain of peace I was on in my last post, and found myself in a city of ruins, with sharp edges, cracked mirrors and broken steps. This is probably the most important post I have written so far, and although this may never be read by anyone, I am releasing it from my tortured mind into a place balanced with nothingness, and endlessness.

I have been depressed. NO! I am depressed, writing this post has been the most productive thing I have done in a while. It occured to me I was depressed when I would wake up crying, I would feel worthless every minute of everyday, and finally, when I realised I had been wearing the same pink bathrobe for days, maybe weeks. Unwashed and splattered with tears, food, drink and pain. It doesn't even look pink, it basically looks like the inside of me. All messed up, dirty and tattered. It has been my cloak of comfort and until today, I couldnt force myself to get out of it. Last week I didn't leave the room for two days, only to pee. My boyfriend brought down food, but that was it. I have been stuck in this cage that I built myself and there has been no light, no guidance, no security.

I feel like an ant, a small delicate thing that every knows can carry ten times more than it appears to be able to carry. But I am barely that ant anymore, instead of carrying weights that I am able to, I am an ant who has the tinest drops of pain continuously sprinkled on me.
I am a drowning ant. Helpless, lost, and alone.

I want to live. I want to be alive.

I have realised that I have been walking in my boyfriends shadow, giving myself and my dreams up. That has been what is causing all the fights- my jealousy of his certainty, his talent, his ambitions, his confidence. I locked those things up long ago and I am getting tired of being the weak one with nothing interesting about her life, but the fact that she dates a photographer.
I am more than this. I am more than what I have lead myself and others to be. Most importantly, I deserve to have my shining years, my dreams heard and my talents shown. I do not belong in a shadow or a cave, I belong in my own light expressing my own beauty.

University has been tough, and although I have already got my first A, I don't even know if it is what I want to do. Anthropolgy seems so interesing, and at the moment Psychology has all been scientifical, and that is not what I expected. During this break I meant to be looking into other options, and seeing if it is too late to go to a different university or not.
One thing that is upsetting more than my uni work is the loneliness. I have made no new friends, and weeks ago after a fight over a new girl mate my boyfriend has found, I swore to him and myself I would make new friends, especially guy mates as I lack in those, and I would indulge in their stories and mannerisms and have company, a new born friendship of humor, coffee, cigarettes, wine, sorrow and joy. But I have been trying too hard, and have decided today to just listen to the signs of the universe and let him and I find eachother when we are meant to. I need to prove to my boyfriend and others that I am social, I am attractive and I attract good people who want to befriend me and respect me. I believe this will show people I am worthy of that light I so desperately desire.

I watched eat, pray, love today. It is my new favourite movie and it was able to inspire me to do more today than anyone else(including me) has been able to inpsire me to do for days. I prayed, I took a long hot bath and started this new thing of blessing the water and soaking my face in rose-oil tinted water. I scrubbed the dirt of my depression away, I washed away the toxic anvxiety I have had for months and for once, I was at peace. And all it took was a bath. Then, I put my depressed painted bath robe in the wash and decided to write in here. Although these tasks all seem so small and simple, they have been mountains for me to climb for weeks. I accomplished something for myself today, I showed myself that I deserve a hot relaxing bath, I do deserve to care and love myself, I deserve my time. Sitting on my balcony sipping tea and writing this, my eyes feel open.
I have realised that I can start over and begin transforming myself over and over again, for years. But I will never get to the place I read about, or see others in, or hear stories of; if I do not stick with it. Beyond this city I am in, with its broken steps, sharp cliffs and cracked mirrors lies where I want to be. But part of the most important part of the healing journey, is this ruined place I am in now. For this is my rock bottom, I can go no furhter than this, and although this place is not as beautiful and peaceful as my destination- it is here, where my transformation will begin. It is here,where I will find myself and see what I am made of, it is here I will find a life boat and show everyone that I am not the drowning ant, but the strong lioness. This is place of lessons.

As dark and as broken as it is, here is where healing and learning will be.

19/02/12

I have been in a constant day dream this weekend. I slept the whole day today, quite literally. I am in this slumber of numbness and I hope to break from it.
I have one more week of holidays and then it is my first semester of Psychology. I am extremely excited, but also rather scared. I get butterflies just thinking about what I may learn this year.

I feel as though I should be doing more, I am still indulging in mediation every day. Never got the whole concept of it, and always said to myself "you don't need it", but finally I was honest and gave it a go. It does help my anxiety through out the day and I feel as though I am at constant peace with my inner voice. I can communicate with her smoothly, opposed to yelling abuse at her in times of distress.
This week as been a taste of hell, but I cannot see myself being as calm as I was without meditation, it is as though I the universe was telling me that without my fifteen minute meditations/prays in the morning, this week would be even MORE stressful.

It is amazing how at times of anger and pain we think to ourselves how miserable we are, and how this will never get better, but when the week is up and the sun is going down on the Sunday of a hard week, you re-evaluate everything and simply say- "I am strong enough to endure anything, because I am still able to smile and laugh after a weak of tests". In saying that, you do not have to stick with the life you are currently facing. You can evolve it, transform it, or completely start from scratch, and THAT is what I am working on, through the help of Louise L. Hay.

I have been indulging in the book Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, it is a delightful book and I recommend to it everyone, it is a modern classic with heart, creativity and a little weirdness thrown into it. Which is all I can ask for. I haven't gotten far in it as I am the type of reader to really focus on every word, sentence and page bit by bit, especially if it written so beautifully. I believe that the author would want readers to really indulge in the words, really take them in as they would have spent years perfecting the words that will only take a few seconds to read. Therefore I constantly drown in the imagery the writer painted with their words. As I would love my readers to do the same, so that there are no questions at the end of written pieces(unless I was the reader to ask questions ;D).

Goals for this week:

1) Continue on my healing process and breaking down the walls of self-hate, anxiety and jealousy
2) Mediate more, and in the actual morning when I wake up
3) Which leads to number three, get into the routine of waking up IN THE MORNING, I have to get prepared for university, and these little midnight sparks of energy in which I write and read and watch movies is PERFECT for holidays, but sadly not the life of a student.
4) Must find another time/place to sit down and write and read, alone time with Amy, that way Connor can play his loud games in our room, and I can surrender to the summer sunsets and cool breezes.
5) Exercise at least three times a week. This is important as it will release endorphins, and get me in shape. There is no better way to love yourself than to treat yourself nicely.
6) Apply for jobs at every store I would LOVE to work in
7) 'Sproose' up the room and the outdoors of room, try get this all done by the weekend, as I would love to have drinks with my friends and invite them into my little world of books, wine, cigarettes, fantails and summer kisses.
8) Eat healthy, no junk food this week


This will be one of the best weeks of my life, I hope readers out there will also have beautiful experiences.

17/02/12

I have fallen into the habit of reading "You can Heal your Life" again, this will be about the 2334555th time I have read it. Lousie L. Hay's words speak out to me in such a way that at the end of every chapter I am near tears and start slipping into a sort of slumber.

The irony behind trying to change my life this week, is that this week has been filled to the brim with drama. All family based. My toxic relationship with my incredibly difficult sister is tearing me apart. I wish she would leave. I know this is the realtionship I meant to be fixing in order to heal and grow as a person. But I do not have the strength. She treats my boyfriend like shit, yet expects him to treat her with the utmost respect. Who does she think she is? My dad would not be proud of her behaviour, she is a liar who lives behind this mask. No one know what she is really like expect for the family. She is an emotional manipulator who uses people constantly, yet still finds the time to judge and criticise other people.

She is turning 22 this year, she has a good job that pays well PLUS free money for the government, yet she still leeches off my single mother who has no income. She was having an affair with one of my boyfriends mates, she slept with another one of my boyfriends freinds, yet still has the deluded idea that she can treat him like shit. The secrets I have kept for her are monsterous and she kicks up the biggest storm when things don't go her way. I hate to say it, but I do not like her at all. We are opposites and this toxic relationship reminds me of the one Hay expresses she had with her sister. I will one day have to heal this realationship but for the meantime it is like dealing with a 3 year old child who hits you, slams doors and screams abuse in your face. Did mention she is training to be a teacher?

I want to know what I can do. Hopefully my degree in psychology this year will teach me something. I have been researching this week about her clashing personality and all I have uncovered is that she is jealous and has a well of rage that she does not know how to deal with. A survey on a psychology site explained that she displays selfish behaviour and although acts like she is there to support people, her mind set is all about what she can get out of it.

I wish I wasn't related to her, and YES that is a horrible thing to say, but if you only knew. It is the most impossible thing to deal with.

But I am aware this is all a test. Its a sign from the universe that I am on the right track of healing, and everything I need to sift through and restore or change or get rid of rose to the surface this week. It has been exhausting but I am now more sure than ever of what I need to heal.

And here is a list-

1)Self-love- this one is a tough one, but indeed very important as it is the root of a lot of other problems I have.
2) Jealousy- I have a disgusting green monster whenever I feel like someone is better, prettier than me. Which happens way too often.
3) Anxiety- this stage I believe will be diminished after the jeaoulsy and self love.
4) Anger- I find myself getting angry at things that are a waste of time, I believe I am not honest with my feelings, and at any opportunity I have to release anger, I go overboard with it instead of being honest and letting it out when the true emotion explodes within me.
5)Self-respect- I need to stand up for myself more, to express to people that I am not a victim and that I deserve the best of their love, happiness and respect. This will be one of the hardest points as I am forever trying to please everyone and always have to ask other people to make desicions for me, even worse I constantly ask people if I am "doing okay", or "is anyone better than me?"(which relates back to jealousy)

I am also formulating a philosophy, this wil stretch through years and years and be transformed and expanded for a long time. It will begin with my first year of my psychology degree.

One point of it that I am sure will not change is-Everyone has the power to create the life they want with the thoughts they think and the actions they do.

if anyone has any advice on how I can deal with my sister please let me know. Thank you
 

Expectations

Yesterday I was faced with a shocking situation, to keep it short(and to not name names) the overall scenario is that someone who will be in my life for a long time, is not accepting who I am. They have expectations, or a point of view of how I should be- and I am just not that person. They are maybe subconsciously comparing me to other people who used to be where I am today.

The old me would have immediately began to obsess about ways to change and google ways to please people(I looked at only one site this time). The old me would have run away, cried done EVERYTHING to prove myself to this person without giving a single thought the to other option- which is to stay the way I am.

However this time I didn't break into tears, sure I weeped a little. I mean most people would, a lot of people cannot cope with comments, and I am not talking about constructive criticism- I am talking about stone cold criticism which becomes an attack on the soul of a person. I went out, had a good night patched up with someone who I had to learn from months ago and now it seems as though the universe is leaving this lesson to me. I don't fully know the full plan of this lesson but I am beginning to unravel what it is I am supposed to learn, all I know for sure is that it is huge and it will consist of more than one lesson.

The first half of the lessons I need to learn will come from self-love, I believe it is my duty to now put what I express in my blogs and what I say to other people who are insecure and use it on myself. I have always immensely battled with helping myself and not taking my own advice, but now I am treating myself as a close friend with this sad situation looking for a light. I will be my own light, with the support of my true love. The second part of the lesson is to stand up for who I am. I am determined not to fall back into the books of the old me who changed for everyone and still didn't respected. I remember saying to my partner once that "after changing and evolving for people who wouldn't matter ten years from now, I realised it was a waste and I wasn't even living my life, I was just a puppet in theirs and I learnt that not everyone is going to like you, and you aren't going to like others always but what everyone should do is hold no expectations of people and find something good in them and hold onto that" and he replied with a quote I still look at to this day(this conversation was on MSN)- "I think if you believe in yourself, you don't need to believe in any other expectations. Self-love is not vanity it is healthy like laughter and love and it is vital in order to live a life of happiness and love".

So here I am, about to embark on something that will be more confrontational than changing for other people, I will not fall silent and let them mould me into their vision of me that will change as soon as it is formed into another thing that is extreme and not at all me.

I have had a life of struggle and with that has brought many insecurities and problems like anxiety and anorexia. We are always expected to be something more or less that what we are, the world begs us to be happy with who we are but majority of people only want you to be happy when you are the person THEY want you to be. If anyone is going through the same mental battle as me in which you are deciding whether to be you or change please leave a comment and we can both overcome this together. If you become someone else, you would have wasted all the potential and beauty of who you really are. Remember masks eventually break so don't try and hide who you are.

Embrace you.

Throughout the week I will be researching on self acceptance and self love and I will leave links. I will probably have to face the person this week so I will let you know how that goes. This is all just another lesson on the road of life. I will keep you updated.

Today is a new beginning

"Don't make your past, your future"

I am starting fresh today, positivity will be present in everything I do. I will shine with an infinite glow of happiness.

So far so good, I woke up at 5:30 this morning to allow myself to wake up slowly and relaxed and do my affirmations in the mirror. I am now in my first uni class and I still feel the presence of positivity, my boyfriend is next to me and I can tell its going to be a fantastic day.

The quote above exemplifies exactly my mood today, I am looking to the future with confidence but I am dwelling on the now because the now is the only thing we truly hace.

I will keep updating my moods and sudden lessons I am faced with this week.

I hope everyone had an amazing weekend, and if not remember there is always next weekend. Enjoy now.

Self-worth

Self worth has been an every day obstacle for me. I find it hard to maintain belief in myself and I find it incredibly difficult to hold faith for the future of my life. It has something to do with the loss of my father, abusive relationships and of course bullying.

Now I find myself in a better place, but the scars and fears from my past still linger in every corner of my life. They are always there, and if I pay too much attention to them, a beautiful day can turn into an emotional nightmare.

Why do our minds often hold on to the things best left behind, and ignore the things we should really be reminding ourselves of every day? The human mind and the way in which it sticks to some thoughts and memories whilst throwing away others will always interest me.

Is it possible to change your way of thinking? To transform your minds outlook into one that will always be stained in positivity? I think yes, however it takes time. I have been trying it for years, and I am only 17! I believe the more regret and pain you have the longer it takes, but the sweeter it will taste in the end. I have a lot to move on from, not as much as others but my mind is still cluttered with things I desperately need to grow away from. I need to make space for the new.

The level of self-worth I have for myself is very low. I am referring specifically to how much you think you are worth to the people around you? Or even how much you think you will be worth to the people you will encounter in the future?

Mine is small.

I have an amazing boyfriend who gets me through everything, but how is anyone truly meant to be happy with someone else, if they are not even happy with their own reflection?

Which is why after procrastinating for far too long I decided I would return to this blog and write to people who may or may not be reading. Perhaps I know some of you, or perhaps one day I will meet you and not even know you are one of my beloved readers...All I know is when I write in here I heal a little more, and all I want to achieve at the end of all this is a healed me and the realisation that I have healed some of you too.

I am currently looking up ways in which you can increase self-love, so far I have read that simply feeding yourself compliments works- and it does. For a greater effect though I think you should do it out loud and in front of the mirror because we all know that you can't hide from the reflection, and facing it head on is so empowering. I tried to do this yesterday morning and nearly cried- mostly because I was tired, but also because I was finding it hard to call myself beautiful when I had messy hair, large purple bags under my eyes, sleep crumbs on my eye lids and morning breath. After ten minutes of fighting my insecurities I told myself that if I Amy-Claire Walsh want full self love after most of a life hating the body I am in, then it was going to be hard at first. I also told myself that complimenting myself in the mirror is not the hardest thing I have had to do, and with time it would get easier. All of sudden my insecurities had left me and I didn't see a tired scarred young lady- I saw every word I was whispering to my reflection and fuck, I felt beautiful. I was actually glad I did it BEFORE getting ready because when I had finished my makeup and was ready to leave I smiled to myself and my confidence increased due to the reflection of a girl who looked beautiful with and without makeup. I want everyone to try this- it increases the love you have for yourself, and yes you may forget to do it every morning but I hope that if insecurities begin to suddenly start flooding your mind that you will go to the bathroom and simply repeat-

"I am beautiful, I am deserving of good and happiness. I am strong and lovable and every day gets better"

There is hope for the puppets of insecurity. We all have self-worth and it is not vain to love yourself. You are a beautiful soul who will always be loved. There is no reason anymore to be scared of the future or your reflection because, you and me are in this together.

I love you all, have an amazing night of love and joy.