Self worth has been an every day obstacle for me. I find it hard to maintain belief in myself and I find it incredibly difficult to hold faith for the future of my life. It has something to do with the loss of my father, abusive relationships and of course bullying.
Now I find myself in a better place, but the scars and fears from my past still linger in every corner of my life. They are always there, and if I pay too much attention to them, a beautiful day can turn into an emotional nightmare.
Why do our minds often hold on to the things best left behind, and ignore the things we should really be reminding ourselves of every day? The human mind and the way in which it sticks to some thoughts and memories whilst throwing away others will always interest me.
Is it possible to change your way of thinking? To transform your minds outlook into one that will always be stained in positivity? I think yes, however it takes time. I have been trying it for years, and I am only 17! I believe the more regret and pain you have the longer it takes, but the sweeter it will taste in the end. I have a lot to move on from, not as much as others but my mind is still cluttered with things I desperately need to grow away from. I need to make space for the new.
The level of self-worth I have for myself is very low. I am referring specifically to how much you think you are worth to the people around you? Or even how much you think you will be worth to the people you will encounter in the future?
Mine is small.
I have an amazing boyfriend who gets me through everything, but how is anyone truly meant to be happy with someone else, if they are not even happy with their own reflection?
Which is why after procrastinating for far too long I decided I would return to this blog and write to people who may or may not be reading. Perhaps I know some of you, or perhaps one day I will meet you and not even know you are one of my beloved readers...All I know is when I write in here I heal a little more, and all I want to achieve at the end of all this is a healed me and the realisation that I have healed some of you too.
I am currently looking up ways in which you can increase self-love, so far I have read that simply feeding yourself compliments works- and it does. For a greater effect though I think you should do it out loud and in front of the mirror because we all know that you can't hide from the reflection, and facing it head on is so empowering. I tried to do this yesterday morning and nearly cried- mostly because I was tired, but also because I was finding it hard to call myself beautiful when I had messy hair, large purple bags under my eyes, sleep crumbs on my eye lids and morning breath. After ten minutes of fighting my insecurities I told myself that if I Amy-Claire Walsh want full self love after most of a life hating the body I am in, then it was going to be hard at first. I also told myself that complimenting myself in the mirror is not the hardest thing I have had to do, and with time it would get easier. All of sudden my insecurities had left me and I didn't see a tired scarred young lady- I saw every word I was whispering to my reflection and fuck, I felt beautiful. I was actually glad I did it BEFORE getting ready because when I had finished my makeup and was ready to leave I smiled to myself and my confidence increased due to the reflection of a girl who looked beautiful with and without makeup. I want everyone to try this- it increases the love you have for yourself, and yes you may forget to do it every morning but I hope that if insecurities begin to suddenly start flooding your mind that you will go to the bathroom and simply repeat-
"I am beautiful, I am deserving of good and happiness. I am strong and lovable and every day gets better"
There is hope for the puppets of insecurity. We all have self-worth and it is not vain to love yourself. You are a beautiful soul who will always be loved. There is no reason anymore to be scared of the future or your reflection because, you and me are in this together.
I love you all, have an amazing night of love and joy.
