I am finally on my mid-semester break. If there are any readers, I apologise for the delay in entries. March was an incredibly hectic month, I had my dad's death anniversary, more insecurities for a person to old, and the loudest, most vicious fights with my boyfriend. I have created all these wounds that do not even need to be here, but I can't help it, I am an emotional cutter, and I just keep plunging my fingers into them, and then complaining that they hurt too much for me to bear. Simply put, I have not allowed myself to heal naturally at all. I have been thrown off the mountain of peace I was on in my last post, and found myself in a city of ruins, with sharp edges, cracked mirrors and broken steps. This is probably the most important post I have written so far, and although this may never be read by anyone, I am releasing it from my tortured mind into a place balanced with nothingness, and endlessness.
I have been depressed. NO! I am depressed, writing this post has been the most productive thing I have done in a while. It occured to me I was depressed when I would wake up crying, I would feel worthless every minute of everyday, and finally, when I realised I had been wearing the same pink bathrobe for days, maybe weeks. Unwashed and splattered with tears, food, drink and pain. It doesn't even look pink, it basically looks like the inside of me. All messed up, dirty and tattered. It has been my cloak of comfort and until today, I couldnt force myself to get out of it. Last week I didn't leave the room for two days, only to pee. My boyfriend brought down food, but that was it. I have been stuck in this cage that I built myself and there has been no light, no guidance, no security.
I feel like an ant, a small delicate thing that every knows can carry ten times more than it appears to be able to carry. But I am barely that ant anymore, instead of carrying weights that I am able to, I am an ant who has the tinest drops of pain continuously sprinkled on me.
I am a drowning ant. Helpless, lost, and alone.
I want to live. I want to be alive.
I have realised that I have been walking in my boyfriends shadow, giving myself and my dreams up. That has been what is causing all the fights- my jealousy of his certainty, his talent, his ambitions, his confidence. I locked those things up long ago and I am getting tired of being the weak one with nothing interesting about her life, but the fact that she dates a photographer.
I am more than this. I am more than what I have lead myself and others to be. Most importantly, I deserve to have my shining years, my dreams heard and my talents shown. I do not belong in a shadow or a cave, I belong in my own light expressing my own beauty.
University has been tough, and although I have already got my first A, I don't even know if it is what I want to do. Anthropolgy seems so interesing, and at the moment Psychology has all been scientifical, and that is not what I expected. During this break I meant to be looking into other options, and seeing if it is too late to go to a different university or not.
One thing that is upsetting more than my uni work is the loneliness. I have made no new friends, and weeks ago after a fight over a new girl mate my boyfriend has found, I swore to him and myself I would make new friends, especially guy mates as I lack in those, and I would indulge in their stories and mannerisms and have company, a new born friendship of humor, coffee, cigarettes, wine, sorrow and joy. But I have been trying too hard, and have decided today to just listen to the signs of the universe and let him and I find eachother when we are meant to. I need to prove to my boyfriend and others that I am social, I am attractive and I attract good people who want to befriend me and respect me. I believe this will show people I am worthy of that light I so desperately desire.
I watched eat, pray, love today. It is my new favourite movie and it was able to inspire me to do more today than anyone else(including me) has been able to inpsire me to do for days. I prayed, I took a long hot bath and started this new thing of blessing the water and soaking my face in rose-oil tinted water. I scrubbed the dirt of my depression away, I washed away the toxic anvxiety I have had for months and for once, I was at peace. And all it took was a bath. Then, I put my depressed painted bath robe in the wash and decided to write in here. Although these tasks all seem so small and simple, they have been mountains for me to climb for weeks. I accomplished something for myself today, I showed myself that I deserve a hot relaxing bath, I do deserve to care and love myself, I deserve my time. Sitting on my balcony sipping tea and writing this, my eyes feel open.
I have realised that I can start over and begin transforming myself over and over again, for years. But I will never get to the place I read about, or see others in, or hear stories of; if I do not stick with it. Beyond this city I am in, with its broken steps, sharp cliffs and cracked mirrors lies where I want to be. But part of the most important part of the healing journey, is this ruined place I am in now. For this is my rock bottom, I can go no furhter than this, and although this place is not as beautiful and peaceful as my destination- it is here, where my transformation will begin. It is here,where I will find myself and see what I am made of, it is here I will find a life boat and show everyone that I am not the drowning ant, but the strong lioness. This is place of lessons.As dark and as broken as it is, here is where healing and learning will be.
