I have been in a constant day dream this weekend. I slept the whole day today, quite literally. I am in this slumber of numbness and I hope to break from it.
I have one more week of holidays and then it is my first semester of Psychology. I am extremely excited, but also rather scared. I get butterflies just thinking about what I may learn this year.
I feel as though I should be doing more, I am still indulging in mediation every day. Never got the whole concept of it, and always said to myself "you don't need it", but finally I was honest and gave it a go. It does help my anxiety through out the day and I feel as though I am at constant peace with my inner voice. I can communicate with her smoothly, opposed to yelling abuse at her in times of distress.
This week as been a taste of hell, but I cannot see myself being as calm as I was without meditation, it is as though I the universe was telling me that without my fifteen minute meditations/prays in the morning, this week would be even MORE stressful.
It is amazing how at times of anger and pain we think to ourselves how miserable we are, and how this will never get better, but when the week is up and the sun is going down on the Sunday of a hard week, you re-evaluate everything and simply say- "I am strong enough to endure anything, because I am still able to smile and laugh after a weak of tests". In saying that, you do not have to stick with the life you are currently facing. You can evolve it, transform it, or completely start from scratch, and THAT is what I am working on, through the help of Louise L. Hay.
I have been indulging in the book Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, it is a delightful book and I recommend to it everyone, it is a modern classic with heart, creativity and a little weirdness thrown into it. Which is all I can ask for. I haven't gotten far in it as I am the type of reader to really focus on every word, sentence and page bit by bit, especially if it written so beautifully. I believe that the author would want readers to really indulge in the words, really take them in as they would have spent years perfecting the words that will only take a few seconds to read. Therefore I constantly drown in the imagery the writer painted with their words. As I would love my readers to do the same, so that there are no questions at the end of written pieces(unless I was the reader to ask questions ;D).
Goals for this week:
1) Continue on my healing process and breaking down the walls of self-hate, anxiety and jealousy
2) Mediate more, and in the actual morning when I wake up
3) Which leads to number three, get into the routine of waking up IN THE MORNING, I have to get prepared for university, and these little midnight sparks of energy in which I write and read and watch movies is PERFECT for holidays, but sadly not the life of a student.
4) Must find another time/place to sit down and write and read, alone time with Amy, that way Connor can play his loud games in our room, and I can surrender to the summer sunsets and cool breezes.
5) Exercise at least three times a week. This is important as it will release endorphins, and get me in shape. There is no better way to love yourself than to treat yourself nicely.
6) Apply for jobs at every store I would LOVE to work in
7) 'Sproose' up the room and the outdoors of room, try get this all done by the weekend, as I would love to have drinks with my friends and invite them into my little world of books, wine, cigarettes, fantails and summer kisses.
8) Eat healthy, no junk food this week
This will be one of the best weeks of my life, I hope readers out there will also have beautiful experiences.
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